I have seen the work of my Heavenly Father. He chose to use an insecure girl who was not kind to her body — one who believed she was that “dumb blonde.” My pride drove my performance, leaving me to believe desirability had to be earned. But, even during the nights of failing to see life’s promises, God spoke tenderly to me, assuring me that I am His Beloved. He began to lavish His immeasurable compassion and grace, repairing the gashes that has defined me for so long. The girl who had read only four books in high school now had a relentless desire to search for His wisdom.
A year and a half ago, with my portfolio in hand, I hustled from metro Detroit to New York, full of expectation. I soon found that this city has a funny way of squirming inside with the consuming thought that unless I experience everything, travel everywhere, and am a part of a large number of other people’s experiences, then my life is small and meaningless. I became impatient to feed every hunger, forgetting who the true Provider was. The charming voices of the city started to snuff out the Voice I once knew so well. I couldn’t hear Him anymore — frankly, I chose not to hear Him. Soon, curiosity turned into compromise, and comparison became an anxious friend. I held hands with men who treated my company like dead weight. Many of my attempts to start over just ended up with the same headache in the morning. It was a slow fade of trusting glamorous lies and chasing after empty validation.
I look back now and see how much these last few months were spent in the vapor. But during those nights where I was consumed by feelings of unworthiness, I recognized a familiar whisper. It was same the whisper that spoke the foundation of the earth into existence, the whisper that brings sight to the blind and calls dead bones to arise! It's the whisper of the One who does not let any of my unspoken disappointments fall to the ground.
I am learning to rediscover the profound mystery and supremacy of Jesus -rediscovering the glorious riches of His grace and the power of His resurrection. There are areas in my life that scream, struggling against surrender; and I still struggle to hear and see His word like I have known it. But, my soul waits eagerly for the Lord. He assures us that a broken spirit will not be despised. I know I am and will forever be my Beloved’s.