"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2


God, why isn’t your love enough for me?

This question has continued to resurface during my time living in New York. I know that I have been called here, and that God has blessed me with sincere passions and gifts, but I often lack the patience to watch them blossom. 

When I face a challenging season, I find myself relying on others to tell me, “You’re good enough, Aaron,” in order to feel better. Once I hear those words and believe them, I feel better, at least until the next time. But the fix is only temporary, and something remains beneath the surface that never seems to be satisfied. 

Recently, I have been so distracted. I work at a coffee shop, in an area that I may never afford to live in, and it has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I often compare myself to the happy married couple, and or the man in the expensive suit, and ask myself, “What am I doing with my life?”, instead of asking God. He has promised me much more than just making coffee, so why am I putting my identity in my job? Why am I intimidated in my prayer life? Where is my boldness, my expectancy? More than just praying against distraction, I have been asking God, “What is this hole in my heart?” 

On Sunday, Ps Justin Reimer said that comparison is one of the greatest thieves of our happiness.

Authentic love, he preached, is based on the things found under the surface, in the depths of who we are. It finally clicked for me, and I realized that the hole in my heart is the desire to be a husband and a father.  Because this area of my life hasn’t been established yet, the enemy has used my insecurities to trick me into thinking that because I don’t make a lot of money, I’m not “good enough” for a family. 

But Ps Justin reminded me that happiness isn’t a luxury, and that perfect love isn’t something I need to perform for in order to receive.

I love to make people smile. I love affirming people. Even if I hardly know you, I'm probably going to hug you because I love to love on people. That's just who I am. God has graced me with an ability to love people without asking anything in return, which is exactly how God’s love is towards me. 

He affirms me. He has acknowledged my past, and He has promised me a future. He is not after my performance. There is nothing to prove. As I seek first the Kingdom, I know my greatest days are ahead. This is just the beginning.